Coping. Everyone knows or has at least one coping skill that they have used. However, many people believe that they have tried everything for coping, and nothing seems to work. This can be very frustrating for the individual who is trying desperately to better their situation. Not knowing how to cope with certain feelings or situations can really make someone feel stuck. Or, maybe you have the coping skills that work well for you, but you never use them when you need to.
As someone who struggles with her own mental health issues, I am very guilty of not using coping skills when they would be beneficial for me. When my depressive symptoms act up, I don’t have the energy, or feel that I am a burdon to everyone I talk to. When my anxiety acts up, I feel that I am a lost cause and no one can help me and the fear of reaching out is too strong to do it. When my PTSD acts up, I dissociate. When my insomnia acts up, I sit on my phone and ignore how I know that my lack of sleep increases my symptoms of all of the above. I am 110% guilty of not using coping skills.
This can become a vicious cycle, if I allow it to. There was a time in my life, where all I did was cycle because I never used any healthy coping skills and this gave my mental health symptoms the opportunity to feed into each other, which in turn increased and intensified my symptoms. This is why coping skills are so vital. Coping skills are not just for addressing mental health and addiction symptoms, they can also help to get yourself out of a funk on a bad day.
When I first became a counselor, I was working in an intensive outpatient chemical dependency/mental health facility working with adolescent girls. I saw a lot of similar patterns of getting “stuck” and cycling with my clients that had difficulties utilizing healthy coping skills. Whether it was to cope with triggers, cravings, or other mental health symptoms, they could not understand why they were not moving forward and why they could not get un-stuck. We would discuss coping strategies that worked, why others didn’t work, and the importance of using them; but discussion never seemed to be enough. I could not figure out why. My clients knew the importance of using healthy coping skills, they knew how to use them, they knew when they should be using them. So why weren’t they using them?
Then it clicked. My clients were not using the skills they knew would work, because they did not believe they were getting anything in return. Sounds weird, right? You would think that the reduction in cravings, or mental health symptoms would be enough of a reason to use coping skills. However, there are two small pieces that are missing that can make a huge difference. You ready?
1. Accountability.
My clients were lacking the support and encouragement they needed to use those coping skills. Even if they knew that coping would be effective. If my clients had someone to encourage them to use those skills, even if they didn’t use them right away, they were more likely to begin attempting to use them.
2. Reward
The idea of having a reward for successfully coping comes from behavior modification, where you reward the desired behavior. The desired behavior, in this case, is the coping skill(s) that needs to be utilized. When my clients were able to reward themselves after successfully coping, they were more likely going to continue to try to successfully cope because they want the gratification of doing something correctly.
Once I realized this, I put together a contract, you can find the link for the contract I use at the bottom of this post. I would sit down with my clients and go over it, have them answer some questions, and then the client and myself would sign it. I would make a copy for myself, for the client, and any additional copies the client thought they may need. I would follow up with the client about the contract on a weekly basis and we would make changes as necessary. And what I found was that, over the course of time and practice, my clients no longer needed to be held accountable, nor did they need a reward. Utilizing their coping skills had become a habit; they began to see the benefits of having reduced symptoms and did not need to recieve anything in return in additon to that. The coping skills became enough.
This contract is not meant just for adolescents. I have also used it with adults and have found it just as effective. You do not have to work with a therpist or counselor to use this. You can fill this out with anyone that you trust and believe will encourage you and support you. This may mean, however, stepping outside of your comfort zone and telling the other person what it may look like when you need to use these skills; that way, they know when to encourage you to use them. Make a copy for the individual who will be holding you accountable, so when they encourage you to use those coping skills, they can be specific and be that much more of a support to you. And of course, you get to decide on how you will reward yourself when you cope successfully! It can be something as simple as watching a TV show you enjoy, or going out and buying yourself a nice new shirt. Anything that you enjoy can be a reward. I do not recommend using food as a reward if you will be using the contract for coping with disordered eating behaviors and/or thoughts.
The contract is pretty specific. You identify the coping skills that you have worked well for you in the past (I specify the past week), the skills you will continue to use, new coping skills that you are willing to try, how you will utilize the skill, and when you will utilize the skill. The contract finishes up by having you identify how you will reward yourself, you and the individual holding you accountable both sign the contract, and when you follow up, you check on whether or not you were successful at coping. If you were not successful, you identify why and you will need to revise the contract. I find it helpful to have a physical contract because you can put it somewhere where you will always have access to it. You can hang it up, carry it in your wallet, put it on the fridge, etc; anywhere that if you need to cope and are drawing a blank, you can pull it out to utilize.
Coping in healthy ways is not always easy. In fact, many times, it can be extremely difficult. Especially when our mental health symptoms are telling us to do everything but cope. So remember, you are more than the symptoms you experience. And the best way to give the middle finger to those symptoms is to cope in a healthy way. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. Every failed attempt is an opportunity to try something new. I wish you well on this journey.
Recovery Focus 