#emotions – Recovery Focus

What are boundaries and do I have them?

Imagine drawing a line in the sand. Now imagine on the otherside of that line is everything you never want to do as a person. It could be cheating in a relationship, spanking as a form of child discipline, or even something as simple as working late when you don’t get paid overtime. All of those things that you do not want for yourself are boundaries that you have set for yourself. Boundaries can be guidelines that we have in place for ourselves that tell us we are doing the right thing. Boundaries can also be our way of teaching others how to treat us.

The interesting thing about boundaries is that we have them in place, even if we are not aware of them. Imagine that you are talking with someone that you don’t know very well. As this person is talking to you, they get really close to you and you feel that they are right in your face. What do you do? Our natural instinct might be to take a small step backwards or to the side. Or even to shift our body in a way where it feels like the person talking to us is not on top of us. This is a boundary. A physical boundary; otherwise known as your bubble. Everyone has a comfort level on the distance a person is from them when engaging in conversation.

There are many different types of boundaries that a person can have that I will go over. How to set those boundaries will be a post for a different day. My focus with this topic is to help bring some awareness of what our boundaries are, what they can look like, and if you are not sure what your boundaries are to get you thinking on what you might want your boundaries to be. Before I dive in, there are a couple of things that I do want to make note of.

1. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries are not meant to control the way another person reacts. Boundaries are simply put in place to make sure that you are remaining safe and that others are treating you with respect. Think of boundaries like guidelines or expectations.

2. Your boundaries can change! Boundaries can be flexible and can be changed as you see fit. When you first start implementing your boundaries you might be very firm with them. As you grow, make changes, etc, your boundaries can adjust and change as well.

3. Do not set a boundary that you cannot keep. If you cannot follow through with maintaining a boundary do not put it in place. If you allow others to disrespect your boundaries, you are teaching them that the boundary in place is not important and that they can continue to disrespect it.

4. People don’t know what they don’t know. If you do not communicate your boundaries with others they will have no way of knowing what your boundaries are. If you are bringing your friend to work and you have to work at 8 and you get mad at your friend by not being ready to go at 7:30, and you did not let your friend know that they needed to be ready to leave at that time; it is unfair to your friend as they were unaware of the time boundary that you set and did not communicate.

Now that we have some basic understanding of boundaries let’s dive in to the different types of boundaries we can have.

Physical Boundary: this is our personal space and what we are okay with in regards to physical touch. This boundary is violated when someone invades your personal space or touches you in a way you do not want to be touched.

Intellectual Boundary: this is our thoughts and our ideas. This boundary can be violated when our thoughts or ideas are dismissed or belittled.

Emotional Boundary: this is about our emotions and feelings. This boundary can be violated when we share more information than we are comfortable doing. This can also be violated when our feelings and emotions are dismissed, criticized, invalidated, or belittled.

Sexual Boundary: this ties in the emotional, intelluctal, and physical aspects of sexuality. This boundary can be violated if we engage in sexual acts that we are not comfortable with. This can also be violated when we receive unwanted sexual touch, are pressured to engage in sexual acts, are humiliated about sexual acts, and/or having sexual comments made towards you.

Material Boundary: this is about our money and possessions. This can be violated when you have money or possessions stolen from you, others pressure you to giving or lending money or possessions, or when you have borrowed money or possessions and they have not been returned.

Time Boundary: this is about how we use our time. This can be violated when we don’t respect our own time. This can also be violated when others do not respect your time or demand too much of your time.

So what are your boundaries? Or, what do you want your boundaries to be? Boundaries are important. Boundaries give us the opportunity to not only respect ourselves, but to ensure that others are respecting us as well. Remember, we teach others how to treat us. So as you examine your boundaries, or begin to create them, make sure you are communicating with the people you need to so they can treat you the way you want, and deserve, to be treated. I wish you all well on this journey of self-discovery. Be well, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

I Am Not My Past Mistakes

Repeat after me. I am not my past mistakes. I am worthy of change. I deserve to change and to move forward. I can change. I will change. I deserve to be happy and at peace with myself. I deserve to love myself. Repeat as many times as necessary.

If you want to move forward in your life, you cannot allow your past mistakes to prevent you from moving forward. Because they will. They will tie you down and eat you from the inside out. Time and time again, I have seen individuals engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, because they believe that they do not deserve to move forward, they do not deserve to change for the better, they do not deserve to be happy, because of the mistakes they have made in the past.

The person you were when you made those mistakes is not the person that is reading this today. Even if the mistake you made happened yesterday, or even an hour ago. We all have the ability to tell ourselves that we are not going to be that person any longer, and we can change.

Sometimes people believe that they do not deserve to change, not because of the mistakes they have made, but because someone told them that they were bad and it became internalized. When we internalize something, it becomes a part of who we are, a part of our identity. Growing up, my family was poor and domestic abuse was the norm. When I was 7 or 8 years old, my mother told me to never rely on anyone for anything. To make my own way so I would never have to depend on anyone.

Of course my mother said that with the best intentions. She didn’t want me to end up in a position like her, where she did not have choices. My mother couldn’t leave the situation she was in. She had 3 children, no job, and no family in the state. She was stuck. She wanted more for me than that. How my 7 or 8-year-old self interpreted it, however, was that people cannot be trusted, and you can only trust yourself. I internalized that.

I didn’t have many close friends for a long time because of that. I did not cry in front of others; I did not allow myself to be vulnerable with others. I did not ask others for help. I did things my way, because I could not trust the ways of others. The abuse I endured during my childhood, also had me believing that I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything, that I was stupid, a loser, etc. The list goes on.

Anytime I started to grow close to someone, I would sabotage it. Because I believed that I did not deserve to be treated kindly. I believed that I was a bad person. I destroyed relationships with others and this fed into the belief that I was a bad person. I was a bad person, who did not deserve to have good relationships because of the bad things I did to my relationships. This came from internalizing the words my mother told me, and also stemmed from the abuse I endure as a child.

So how does one move forward from this type of cycle? If left alone, this cycle leads to a very lonely life. In my experience, if you want to change this cycle, you need to change the way you think. You have to tell yourself that you don’t want to be that person anymore. You have to actively work to correct your negative thoughts that tell you otherwise; you have to go against your natural instincts to not engage in the behaviors you typically would engage. Typically, we want to sabotage because we begin to feel uncomfortable. We feel uncomfortable because the way we are behaving, or the things that are being said to us, are the opposite of everything we have experienced and have been told thus far.

I find that positive self-talk is the best way to start healing from this. Changing negative self-talk and sabotaging behaviors is a process, so we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves and take on too much, too soon; that is a fast way to sabotaging. I challenge my clients by encouraging them to give themselves positive self-affirmations. Example: Negative thought-I am stupid at Math. Correction-I am intelligent and am learning how to do Math in a new way.

Next I encourage my clients to practice accepting the kind things people say about them and then flip the statement into a self-affirmation. Example: You did a good job on that project. I-Statement-I did a good job on that project. When my clients find themselves not believing what someone has said about them, I ask them ‘why?’. Has this individual given them a reason not to believe what was said? Why would they lie? Why would they say something, at random, if it were not true? You don’t get to decide the good things that others are able to see in you, just because you are not able to see them yet.

You may have heard that when we hear something negative about ourselved enough times, we begin to believe it. The same thing goes for the positive. If you or others tell yourself something positive enough times, you will begin to believe it to be true. When I first began my career, I was filled with self-doubts. I did not think that I was capable of helping others, and did not think that I was able to convey what I wanted to say in a way that would be understood by my clients. My supervisor and clinical director gave me words of encouragement and I would always follow up with my doubts, despite the kind words they said to me about my capabilities. Finally, my supervisor asked me if I thought that my supervisor and clinical directors were liars. I was shocked. Of course I didn’t think they were liars. She asked me then why I didn’t believe them when they told me I was capable. I was unable to give her an answer. It was a big eye opener for me and it showed me just how powerful negative thinking can be.

You have the power and ability to stop this cycle. You are not your past mistakes. You are not a bad person. You are worthy of change. You deserve to change. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be at peace. You can change. You will change. You will become the person you want to be. Changing a negative mindset is not something that happens overnight. It is okay if you don’t achieve this immediately. This isn’t about doing an exercise correctly. It is about learning to love yourself. Learning to love yourself is not easy; so go easy on yourself, and be kind to yourself. I wish you well on this journey of self-love.

Exercise: Give yourself a positive affirmation (something you like about yourself) everytime you see your reflection in the bathroom mirror. It should not be a physical characteristic. It should be something that you like about the person you are.

Exercise: Keep a journal and write down any negative thoughts that you have about yourself, or anything negative anyone says to you about you, throughout the day. At the end of the day, go back and correct all the negative thoughts and replace with them with positive I-Statements.

Tip of the Iceberg

Everyone gets angry at times. You might get angry and not even fully understand why you are just so mad. Sometimes, anger is simply anger. More commonly than not, however, anger is usually something else that is going on that we are expressing as anger. So why do I feel so angry?

Anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that we tend to use anger to cover up how we are really feeling inside; and it can sometimes be difficult to understand or identify how we are truly feeling. So, instead, we express ourselves with anger. Anger will also be expressed instead of one’s true feelings because it can be a more comfortable emotion than opening up and telling someone how you truly feel.

So how does anger tie in with icebergs? When you imagine an iceberg, what do you see? You see a bit of ice above the water; but we all know that underneath the surface, icebergs are giants- which is what makes them so dangerous. Think of anger as an iceberg. Above the surface we express anger; and that is what others will see; but underneath the surface we might be feeling hurt, scared, rejected, lonely, shame, disappointment, etc. Our below the surface emotions build and build until they break through the surface and we express anger.

So the next time you feel yourself getting angry, I will challenge you to ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Example: I am angry at my friend for not calling me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? She said she would call me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? It means she lied to me. How does it feel to be lied to? It hurt my feelings. I feel hurt that my friend did not call me on Tuesday, like she said she would.

See how when you begin to dig a bit and ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are feeling, you can come up with a different emotion other than anger? Sometimes it may take more time and you may need to continue asking yourself questions to come up with why you are experiencing anger; but the more you practice listening to yourself and feel your emotions, the easier it becomes to identify how you are truly feeling. When you dip below the tip of the iceberg, you begin to uncover and understand what you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way.

Emotions are not always good or bad; sometimes emotions just are. How we respond with those emotions is what makes all the difference, and it all begins with awareness and really tuning in to what your body is telling you. Emotions are a big part of the journey of self-discovery; and when we dive below the tip of the iceberg, we can begin to identify feelings that we may not have even known where there. Enjoy the process, and be kind to yourself.

Try this exercise: Over the course of the week, keep a journal and make note of every time you feel angry. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way, and see if you can come up with the emotion that you are keeping below the surface. Finally, jot down some ways you could express the true emotion instead of expressing anger. Leave a comment about what you were able to uncover!