Tag: #expression

The Serenity Prayer

This simple prayer is most commonly associated with AA/NA meetings as a form of opening and/or closing the support session. However, in the middle of a global pandemic, the Serenity Prayer can be a useful reminder for everyone. With such a large scale crisis, it can be easy to feel as if things are completely out of control and that we are powerless and unable to do anything. If you are like myself, you might struggle from time to time with the need to control. When you are in control of a situation, you can better predict the outcome of the situation which can lead to feeling less anxious, more powerful, more capable, and many other positive things.

The downside of this need to control is that not everything is 100% in our control. And when things out of our control occur we can feel, well, crazy, and anxiety-ridden, depressed, helpless, etc. What we need to remember is that we cannot control life. Life is going to happen on it’s own terms, whether you like what happens or not. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play.

“God, Grant me the Serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.“

(2003). The serenity prayer: Faith and politics in times of peace and war. New York: Norton.

If you are not religious, you can simply remove the word ‘God’, the message remains the same. There are things that will occur in our lives that we cannot control and do not know what the outcome will be. If we do not accept this, we will be stuck. That being said, even when things feel out of control, scary, or chaotic, there is one thing that we can control: how we respond to the situation/event or ‘change the things I can’. Even when things are not in our control, we are still in control of ourselves. We can control how we respond during conflict, even though we cannot control how someone responds to us. We can control how we show up in our lives, even when we cannot control some of the events that occur in our lives.

And finally, knowing the difference. Understanding what is and is not in our control in order to act accordingly. We are living in a very uncertain time and tensions can feel high. This does not mean all is lost. Using the pandemic as an example: I cannot control that we are in the middle of a pandemic. What I can control during this time is washing my hands frequently or wearing a mask when I need to go to the store. I can also practice social distancing as a way to keep myself and others safe. I cannot control the way others may respond to this pandemic. I cannot control if someone chooses not to wear a mask or not practice social distancing.

While it may be frustrating or nerve-racking to see other people respond to situations in an unhealthy way, it is not our responsibility to make their decisions for them. People learn when they make mistakes. If people are not allowed to make mistakes, how do we expect them to learn and grow?

I hope everyone reading this is able to find some sense of serenity during this time and is able to find that balance and wisdom of what can and cannot be controlled. Letting go of control is not easy, and once we find the ability to do so, we find ourselves living more in the moment and accepting life as it comes to us; which allows us to enjoy this journey. Be safe, be well, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

I Am Not My Past Mistakes

Repeat after me. I am not my past mistakes. I am worthy of change. I deserve to change and to move forward. I can change. I will change. I deserve to be happy and at peace with myself. I deserve to love myself. Repeat as many times as necessary.

If you want to move forward in your life, you cannot allow your past mistakes to prevent you from moving forward. Because they will. They will tie you down and eat you from the inside out. Time and time again, I have seen individuals engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, because they believe that they do not deserve to move forward, they do not deserve to change for the better, they do not deserve to be happy, because of the mistakes they have made in the past.

The person you were when you made those mistakes is not the person that is reading this today. Even if the mistake you made happened yesterday, or even an hour ago. We all have the ability to tell ourselves that we are not going to be that person any longer, and we can change.

Sometimes people believe that they do not deserve to change, not because of the mistakes they have made, but because someone told them that they were bad and it became internalized. When we internalize something, it becomes a part of who we are, a part of our identity. Growing up, my family was poor and domestic abuse was the norm. When I was 7 or 8 years old, my mother told me to never rely on anyone for anything. To make my own way so I would never have to depend on anyone.

Of course my mother said that with the best intentions. She didn’t want me to end up in a position like her, where she did not have choices. My mother couldn’t leave the situation she was in. She had 3 children, no job, and no family in the state. She was stuck. She wanted more for me than that. How my 7 or 8-year-old self interpreted it, however, was that people cannot be trusted, and you can only trust yourself. I internalized that.

I didn’t have many close friends for a long time because of that. I did not cry in front of others; I did not allow myself to be vulnerable with others. I did not ask others for help. I did things my way, because I could not trust the ways of others. The abuse I endured during my childhood, also had me believing that I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything, that I was stupid, a loser, etc. The list goes on.

Anytime I started to grow close to someone, I would sabotage it. Because I believed that I did not deserve to be treated kindly. I believed that I was a bad person. I destroyed relationships with others and this fed into the belief that I was a bad person. I was a bad person, who did not deserve to have good relationships because of the bad things I did to my relationships. This came from internalizing the words my mother told me, and also stemmed from the abuse I endure as a child.

So how does one move forward from this type of cycle? If left alone, this cycle leads to a very lonely life. In my experience, if you want to change this cycle, you need to change the way you think. You have to tell yourself that you don’t want to be that person anymore. You have to actively work to correct your negative thoughts that tell you otherwise; you have to go against your natural instincts to not engage in the behaviors you typically would engage. Typically, we want to sabotage because we begin to feel uncomfortable. We feel uncomfortable because the way we are behaving, or the things that are being said to us, are the opposite of everything we have experienced and have been told thus far.

I find that positive self-talk is the best way to start healing from this. Changing negative self-talk and sabotaging behaviors is a process, so we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves and take on too much, too soon; that is a fast way to sabotaging. I challenge my clients by encouraging them to give themselves positive self-affirmations. Example: Negative thought-I am stupid at Math. Correction-I am intelligent and am learning how to do Math in a new way.

Next I encourage my clients to practice accepting the kind things people say about them and then flip the statement into a self-affirmation. Example: You did a good job on that project. I-Statement-I did a good job on that project. When my clients find themselves not believing what someone has said about them, I ask them ‘why?’. Has this individual given them a reason not to believe what was said? Why would they lie? Why would they say something, at random, if it were not true? You don’t get to decide the good things that others are able to see in you, just because you are not able to see them yet.

You may have heard that when we hear something negative about ourselved enough times, we begin to believe it. The same thing goes for the positive. If you or others tell yourself something positive enough times, you will begin to believe it to be true. When I first began my career, I was filled with self-doubts. I did not think that I was capable of helping others, and did not think that I was able to convey what I wanted to say in a way that would be understood by my clients. My supervisor and clinical director gave me words of encouragement and I would always follow up with my doubts, despite the kind words they said to me about my capabilities. Finally, my supervisor asked me if I thought that my supervisor and clinical directors were liars. I was shocked. Of course I didn’t think they were liars. She asked me then why I didn’t believe them when they told me I was capable. I was unable to give her an answer. It was a big eye opener for me and it showed me just how powerful negative thinking can be.

You have the power and ability to stop this cycle. You are not your past mistakes. You are not a bad person. You are worthy of change. You deserve to change. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be at peace. You can change. You will change. You will become the person you want to be. Changing a negative mindset is not something that happens overnight. It is okay if you don’t achieve this immediately. This isn’t about doing an exercise correctly. It is about learning to love yourself. Learning to love yourself is not easy; so go easy on yourself, and be kind to yourself. I wish you well on this journey of self-love.

Exercise: Give yourself a positive affirmation (something you like about yourself) everytime you see your reflection in the bathroom mirror. It should not be a physical characteristic. It should be something that you like about the person you are.

Exercise: Keep a journal and write down any negative thoughts that you have about yourself, or anything negative anyone says to you about you, throughout the day. At the end of the day, go back and correct all the negative thoughts and replace with them with positive I-Statements.

Tip of the Iceberg

Everyone gets angry at times. You might get angry and not even fully understand why you are just so mad. Sometimes, anger is simply anger. More commonly than not, however, anger is usually something else that is going on that we are expressing as anger. So why do I feel so angry?

Anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that we tend to use anger to cover up how we are really feeling inside; and it can sometimes be difficult to understand or identify how we are truly feeling. So, instead, we express ourselves with anger. Anger will also be expressed instead of one’s true feelings because it can be a more comfortable emotion than opening up and telling someone how you truly feel.

So how does anger tie in with icebergs? When you imagine an iceberg, what do you see? You see a bit of ice above the water; but we all know that underneath the surface, icebergs are giants- which is what makes them so dangerous. Think of anger as an iceberg. Above the surface we express anger; and that is what others will see; but underneath the surface we might be feeling hurt, scared, rejected, lonely, shame, disappointment, etc. Our below the surface emotions build and build until they break through the surface and we express anger.




So the next time you feel yourself getting angry, I will challenge you to ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Example: I am angry at my friend for not calling me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? She said she would call me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? It means she lied to me. How does it feel to be lied to? It hurt my feelings. I feel hurt that my friend did not call me on Tuesday, like she said she would.

See how when you begin to dig a bit and ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are feeling, you can come up with a different emotion other than anger? Sometimes it may take more time and you may need to continue asking yourself questions to come up with why you are experiencing anger; but the more you practice listening to yourself and feel your emotions, the easier it becomes to identify how you are truly feeling. When you dip below the tip of the iceberg, you begin to uncover and understand what you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way.

Emotions are not always good or bad; sometimes emotions just are. How we respond with those emotions is what makes all the difference, and it all begins with awareness and really tuning in to what your body is telling you. Emotions are a big part of the journey of self-discovery; and when we dive below the tip of the iceberg, we can begin to identify feelings that we may not have even known where there. Enjoy the process, and be kind to yourself.

Try this exercise: Over the course of the week, keep a journal and make note of every time you feel angry. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way, and see if you can come up with the emotion that you are keeping below the surface. Finally, jot down some ways you could express the true emotion instead of expressing anger. Leave a comment about what you were able to uncover!