Everyone gets angry at times. You might get angry and not even fully understand why you are just so mad. Sometimes, anger is simply anger. More commonly than not, however, anger is usually something else that is going on that we are expressing as anger. So why do I feel so angry?
Anger is considered a secondary emotion. This means that we tend to use anger to cover up how we are really feeling inside; and it can sometimes be difficult to understand or identify how we are truly feeling. So, instead, we express ourselves with anger. Anger will also be expressed instead of one’s true feelings because it can be a more comfortable emotion than opening up and telling someone how you truly feel.
So how does anger tie in with icebergs? When you imagine an iceberg, what do you see? You see a bit of ice above the water; but we all know that underneath the surface, icebergs are giants- which is what makes them so dangerous. Think of anger as an iceberg. Above the surface we express anger; and that is what others will see; but underneath the surface we might be feeling hurt, scared, rejected, lonely, shame, disappointment, etc. Our below the surface emotions build and build until they break through the surface and we express anger.
So the next time you feel yourself getting angry, I will challenge you to ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Example: I am angry at my friend for not calling me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? She said she would call me on Tuesday. Why does that make me angry? It means she lied to me. How does it feel to be lied to? It hurt my feelings. I feel hurt that my friend did not call me on Tuesday, like she said she would.
See how when you begin to dig a bit and ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are feeling, you can come up with a different emotion other than anger? Sometimes it may take more time and you may need to continue asking yourself questions to come up with why you are experiencing anger; but the more you practice listening to yourself and feel your emotions, the easier it becomes to identify how you are truly feeling. When you dip below the tip of the iceberg, you begin to uncover and understand what you are feeling, and why you are feeling that way.
Emotions are not always good or bad; sometimes emotions just are. How we respond with those emotions is what makes all the difference, and it all begins with awareness and really tuning in to what your body is telling you. Emotions are a big part of the journey of self-discovery; and when we dive below the tip of the iceberg, we can begin to identify feelings that we may not have even known where there. Enjoy the process, and be kind to yourself.
Try this exercise: Over the course of the week, keep a journal and make note of every time you feel angry. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way, and see if you can come up with the emotion that you are keeping below the surface. Finally, jot down some ways you could express the true emotion instead of expressing anger. Leave a comment about what you were able to uncover!
Recovery Focus 