#support – Recovery Focus

What are boundaries and do I have them?

Imagine drawing a line in the sand. Now imagine on the otherside of that line is everything you never want to do as a person. It could be cheating in a relationship, spanking as a form of child discipline, or even something as simple as working late when you don’t get paid overtime. All of those things that you do not want for yourself are boundaries that you have set for yourself. Boundaries can be guidelines that we have in place for ourselves that tell us we are doing the right thing. Boundaries can also be our way of teaching others how to treat us.

The interesting thing about boundaries is that we have them in place, even if we are not aware of them. Imagine that you are talking with someone that you don’t know very well. As this person is talking to you, they get really close to you and you feel that they are right in your face. What do you do? Our natural instinct might be to take a small step backwards or to the side. Or even to shift our body in a way where it feels like the person talking to us is not on top of us. This is a boundary. A physical boundary; otherwise known as your bubble. Everyone has a comfort level on the distance a person is from them when engaging in conversation.

There are many different types of boundaries that a person can have that I will go over. How to set those boundaries will be a post for a different day. My focus with this topic is to help bring some awareness of what our boundaries are, what they can look like, and if you are not sure what your boundaries are to get you thinking on what you might want your boundaries to be. Before I dive in, there are a couple of things that I do want to make note of.

1. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries are not meant to control the way another person reacts. Boundaries are simply put in place to make sure that you are remaining safe and that others are treating you with respect. Think of boundaries like guidelines or expectations.

2. Your boundaries can change! Boundaries can be flexible and can be changed as you see fit. When you first start implementing your boundaries you might be very firm with them. As you grow, make changes, etc, your boundaries can adjust and change as well.

3. Do not set a boundary that you cannot keep. If you cannot follow through with maintaining a boundary do not put it in place. If you allow others to disrespect your boundaries, you are teaching them that the boundary in place is not important and that they can continue to disrespect it.

4. People don’t know what they don’t know. If you do not communicate your boundaries with others they will have no way of knowing what your boundaries are. If you are bringing your friend to work and you have to work at 8 and you get mad at your friend by not being ready to go at 7:30, and you did not let your friend know that they needed to be ready to leave at that time; it is unfair to your friend as they were unaware of the time boundary that you set and did not communicate.

Now that we have some basic understanding of boundaries let’s dive in to the different types of boundaries we can have.

Physical Boundary: this is our personal space and what we are okay with in regards to physical touch. This boundary is violated when someone invades your personal space or touches you in a way you do not want to be touched.

Intellectual Boundary: this is our thoughts and our ideas. This boundary can be violated when our thoughts or ideas are dismissed or belittled.

Emotional Boundary: this is about our emotions and feelings. This boundary can be violated when we share more information than we are comfortable doing. This can also be violated when our feelings and emotions are dismissed, criticized, invalidated, or belittled.

Sexual Boundary: this ties in the emotional, intelluctal, and physical aspects of sexuality. This boundary can be violated if we engage in sexual acts that we are not comfortable with. This can also be violated when we receive unwanted sexual touch, are pressured to engage in sexual acts, are humiliated about sexual acts, and/or having sexual comments made towards you.

Material Boundary: this is about our money and possessions. This can be violated when you have money or possessions stolen from you, others pressure you to giving or lending money or possessions, or when you have borrowed money or possessions and they have not been returned.

Time Boundary: this is about how we use our time. This can be violated when we don’t respect our own time. This can also be violated when others do not respect your time or demand too much of your time.

So what are your boundaries? Or, what do you want your boundaries to be? Boundaries are important. Boundaries give us the opportunity to not only respect ourselves, but to ensure that others are respecting us as well. Remember, we teach others how to treat us. So as you examine your boundaries, or begin to create them, make sure you are communicating with the people you need to so they can treat you the way you want, and deserve, to be treated. I wish you all well on this journey of self-discovery. Be well, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

The Serenity Prayer

This simple prayer is most commonly associated with AA/NA meetings as a form of opening and/or closing the support session. However, in the middle of a global pandemic, the Serenity Prayer can be a useful reminder for everyone. With such a large scale crisis, it can be easy to feel as if things are completely out of control and that we are powerless and unable to do anything. If you are like myself, you might struggle from time to time with the need to control. When you are in control of a situation, you can better predict the outcome of the situation which can lead to feeling less anxious, more powerful, more capable, and many other positive things.

The downside of this need to control is that not everything is 100% in our control. And when things out of our control occur we can feel, well, crazy, and anxiety-ridden, depressed, helpless, etc. What we need to remember is that we cannot control life. Life is going to happen on it’s own terms, whether you like what happens or not. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes into play.

“God, Grant me the Serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.“
(2003). The serenity prayer: Faith and politics in times of peace and war. New York: Norton.

If you are not religious, you can simply remove the word ‘God’, the message remains the same. There are things that will occur in our lives that we cannot control and do not know what the outcome will be. If we do not accept this, we will be stuck. That being said, even when things feel out of control, scary, or chaotic, there is one thing that we can control: how we respond to the situation/event or ‘change the things I can’. Even when things are not in our control, we are still in control of ourselves. We can control how we respond during conflict, even though we cannot control how someone responds to us. We can control how we show up in our lives, even when we cannot control some of the events that occur in our lives.

And finally, knowing the difference. Understanding what is and is not in our control in order to act accordingly. We are living in a very uncertain time and tensions can feel high. This does not mean all is lost. Using the pandemic as an example: I cannot control that we are in the middle of a pandemic. What I can control during this time is washing my hands frequently or wearing a mask when I need to go to the store. I can also practice social distancing as a way to keep myself and others safe. I cannot control the way others may respond to this pandemic. I cannot control if someone chooses not to wear a mask or not practice social distancing.

While it may be frustrating or nerve-racking to see other people respond to situations in an unhealthy way, it is not our responsibility to make their decisions for them. People learn when they make mistakes. If people are not allowed to make mistakes, how do we expect them to learn and grow?

I hope everyone reading this is able to find some sense of serenity during this time and is able to find that balance and wisdom of what can and cannot be controlled. Letting go of control is not easy, and once we find the ability to do so, we find ourselves living more in the moment and accepting life as it comes to us; which allows us to enjoy this journey. Be safe, be well, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Coping Contract with Myself

Coping. Everyone knows or has at least one coping skill that they have used. However, many people believe that they have tried everything for coping, and nothing seems to work. This can be very frustrating for the individual who is trying desperately to better their situation. Not knowing how to cope with certain feelings or situations can really make someone feel stuck. Or, maybe you have the coping skills that work well for you, but you never use them when you need to.

As someone who struggles with her own mental health issues, I am very guilty of not using coping skills when they would be beneficial for me. When my depressive symptoms act up, I don’t have the energy, or feel that I am a burdon to everyone I talk to. When my anxiety acts up, I feel that I am a lost cause and no one can help me and the fear of reaching out is too strong to do it. When my PTSD acts up, I dissociate. When my insomnia acts up, I sit on my phone and ignore how I know that my lack of sleep increases my symptoms of all of the above. I am 110% guilty of not using coping skills.

This can become a vicious cycle, if I allow it to. There was a time in my life, where all I did was cycle because I never used any healthy coping skills and this gave my mental health symptoms the opportunity to feed into each other, which in turn increased and intensified my symptoms. This is why coping skills are so vital. Coping skills are not just for addressing mental health and addiction symptoms, they can also help to get yourself out of a funk on a bad day.

When I first became a counselor, I was working in an intensive outpatient chemical dependency/mental health facility working with adolescent girls. I saw a lot of similar patterns of getting “stuck” and cycling with my clients that had difficulties utilizing healthy coping skills. Whether it was to cope with triggers, cravings, or other mental health symptoms, they could not understand why they were not moving forward and why they could not get un-stuck. We would discuss coping strategies that worked, why others didn’t work, and the importance of using them; but discussion never seemed to be enough. I could not figure out why. My clients knew the importance of using healthy coping skills, they knew how to use them, they knew when they should be using them. So why weren’t they using them?

Then it clicked. My clients were not using the skills they knew would work, because they did not believe they were getting anything in return. Sounds weird, right? You would think that the reduction in cravings, or mental health symptoms would be enough of a reason to use coping skills. However, there are two small pieces that are missing that can make a huge difference. You ready?

1. Accountability.

My clients were lacking the support and encouragement they needed to use those coping skills. Even if they knew that coping would be effective. If my clients had someone to encourage them to use those skills, even if they didn’t use them right away, they were more likely to begin attempting to use them.

2. Reward

The idea of having a reward for successfully coping comes from behavior modification, where you reward the desired behavior. The desired behavior, in this case, is the coping skill(s) that needs to be utilized. When my clients were able to reward themselves after successfully coping, they were more likely going to continue to try to successfully cope because they want the gratification of doing something correctly.

Once I realized this, I put together a contract, you can find the link for the contract I use at the bottom of this post. I would sit down with my clients and go over it, have them answer some questions, and then the client and myself would sign it. I would make a copy for myself, for the client, and any additional copies the client thought they may need. I would follow up with the client about the contract on a weekly basis and we would make changes as necessary. And what I found was that, over the course of time and practice, my clients no longer needed to be held accountable, nor did they need a reward. Utilizing their coping skills had become a habit; they began to see the benefits of having reduced symptoms and did not need to recieve anything in return in additon to that. The coping skills became enough.

This contract is not meant just for adolescents. I have also used it with adults and have found it just as effective. You do not have to work with a therpist or counselor to use this. You can fill this out with anyone that you trust and believe will encourage you and support you. This may mean, however, stepping outside of your comfort zone and telling the other person what it may look like when you need to use these skills; that way, they know when to encourage you to use them. Make a copy for the individual who will be holding you accountable, so when they encourage you to use those coping skills, they can be specific and be that much more of a support to you. And of course, you get to decide on how you will reward yourself when you cope successfully! It can be something as simple as watching a TV show you enjoy, or going out and buying yourself a nice new shirt. Anything that you enjoy can be a reward. I do not recommend using food as a reward if you will be using the contract for coping with disordered eating behaviors and/or thoughts.

The contract is pretty specific. You identify the coping skills that you have worked well for you in the past (I specify the past week), the skills you will continue to use, new coping skills that you are willing to try, how you will utilize the skill, and when you will utilize the skill. The contract finishes up by having you identify how you will reward yourself, you and the individual holding you accountable both sign the contract, and when you follow up, you check on whether or not you were successful at coping. If you were not successful, you identify why and you will need to revise the contract. I find it helpful to have a physical contract because you can put it somewhere where you will always have access to it. You can hang it up, carry it in your wallet, put it on the fridge, etc; anywhere that if you need to cope and are drawing a blank, you can pull it out to utilize.

Coping in healthy ways is not always easy. In fact, many times, it can be extremely difficult. Especially when our mental health symptoms are telling us to do everything but cope. So remember, you are more than the symptoms you experience. And the best way to give the middle finger to those symptoms is to cope in a healthy way. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. Every failed attempt is an opportunity to try something new. I wish you well on this journey.

Coping Contract with Myself